Yeah, I couldn't post last night, my bad. there'll be 2 posts today.
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This is where I talk about my life.
And where I've lived.
And Why I care.
You've seen me compare my hometown and current town. So this is the weird deep reflection part.
Connecticut and Washington. About as far away as one another as you can get. So similar, yet so different. And I would go crazy If I had one but not the other.So, I love both. and I love where I live now and don't really want to change again and go back, because people there would think I was totally crazy. living here has changed me too much. Maybe it's not change, exactly. Its like scraping off the layer of top crap that would usually cover up everything I had to say until I became great friends with someone. Now there's less crap on top. Which is good. Although my family in Connecticut may not like that I like it. They occasionaly have some issues with how much I can talk now. They don't see me much so they aren't used to it, so I'm fine with them. Now that I think of it, when I was younger, I actually tried to fit into a sterotype. And they got used to it. lame.
That being said. I would go crazy if I couldn't go back on vacations.As much as the events in my life have totally screwed with plans and turned my life into a rollercoaster that occasionally flies off the rails, I am pretty thankful for it. I have no idea what I'd be like if I never left my hometown. I'm realizing right now how close I came to that possibility. All I had to say was "I'd rather live with dad" and poof. And If the personality of me of today was in that situation back then, I probably would have said that. I had to choose between two parents. and two totally new step families. And I know the whole same-sex parent thing came into play, and I really had no say in it, now that I think about it. And if anyone had cared to ask me, I probably would just have said "Sure, lets pack up and go to Washington", though I would have honestly wanted to stay in Connecticut. I just wanted to go with the flow, to piss of as few people as possible. Because if you know my mom at all, no one wants to piss her off. and my dad is way low key. but really, No kid wants to move. and not a lot get a choice. not that I really did, but I had a bigger one than a lot of my friends have had. And I was young. I didn't know what I wanted. But in reality, did anyone else? Can my dad say that it would be in my best interest to stay in my tiny hometown and be torn away from my mom? or could my mom say that it was in my best interest to start over from scratch without any other family and throw a shy kid into a huge state and big school, living with a soon-to -be-stepdad who I'd barely known? No. Nobody can say what would be in the 'best interest of the child' as those stupid law things say. 'best interest of the child', well, that phrase is a load of crap, really. nobody other than the child themself knows that. and even the child might not know. no one other that a very mature person can really say what is in their own best interest. Hell, I don't know what my best interest is on a lot of things.
The weird (really really weird, heads up) thing is:If I had my current personality and me-ness in the past, I would have said "I want to stay in Connecticut". At least I'm pretty sure. I, like anyone really, would not have wanted to leave. I have a bit of a defiance about me. But I don't think its a really bad thing, so maybe defiance isn't quite the right word. I think I know what is right. and I stand for it. And I often don't budge. Knowing the current me, I could have gone a bit radical, chaning myself to my old house, calling up news stations, getting public attention about how my civil liberties were being violated, etc. Or at least I would think about it. Although having a current me would have caused a lot of problems in the past. Espically at the whole "moving to WA" part of my life. It would have gotten really ugly with my mom and dad, which would have ruined the future, regardless. But the thing is, there is no way that the "current me" as I'm saying, could exist while living in small town CT for my entire life. But another thing is that knowing now what I know about everything that has happened up to this point in my life, if I was able to know about everything that did eventually happen to me, I would make the informed decision to move to Washington.
So the only way that this would have possibly worked out, in the actual "best interest of the child" would to be the way it really did work out, even though no court would ever judge this to be "best interest":Simple Timeline:
-go through a buch a crap with leaving my hometown, just enough that my dad is worried, but not so much that he hates my mom forever
-Start life over, for lack of better description. new house. new school. feeling way too out of place.
-My dad comes out here for almost every holiday, and we go back every chance we get.
-Try to stick to what I know.
-Eventually fail at the above.
-Just go through the day, being normal
.-Something really weird happens after the end of freshman year and before the end of first semester Sophomore year.
-Deal with more crap than I've ever dealt with. And I like to think that I've dealt with a lot of crap.
-The crappy events that took place above turned out the ugliest they could have (shout out to Claire Logan and her prime time television outside her window)
-Somehow, "normal" was a bit hard for me to maintain and got a bit boring.
Tada! Kori Appears out of the Madness!
So, The odds that this could have happened are about 1/10000000, now that I think about it. and not many kids get to go back to their hometown whenever they feel like it when that town in 3000 miles away.Life is crazy. But I'm enjoying the mathematical miricle that is what happened in mine at the moment. (a friend introduced me to something today, and I think I need to say "MLIG.")
This is where I wish that we could see alternate universes where at every decision in one's life spits off, creating a web thingie. I'm wondering how I would have turned out if anything went the way it really should have gone. although "should" isn't the best word there. 'Cause I'm quite happy here. If every decision that was made for me without any consent of my own actually went the way that would couse me the least greif, I really wonder what Kori Bowns would have been.
Now there is a very small chance that anyone out there actually followed what I wrote. I can think of maybe 3 or 4 friends who may have a shot. It's going to be hard without understanding how I think and being familiar with part of my life story. But if you do understand this a bit, thanks for listening.
Oh, and somewhere in this, there was supposed to be something really touching that went out to my friends, but it seemed too off topic. So If you're reading this, just know how absolutely awesome you are.
You're just another part of that mathematical equation that sets up the probability of this very moment taking place.
Because math explains things for me quite well. =)
Peace and Love,
Kori.
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